insecure, insignificant, intact

some days are better than others.

what that means is that some days are worse than others. you know it, i know it, we all know it! today is like that. today is a day i was supposed to be happy, fulfilled, focused and appreciative. twenty-six years ago today, i was married to pamela anderson. that alone should have made things alright. right? even the best of things go awry, though.

but i woke up this morning on the wrong side of right. why? because i went to bed on the wrong side of right. i make a lot of decisions in life, we all do. in fact i read once that we make over 8,000 decisions every day. some are mundane, thoughtless, routine. some are significant, challenging, defining.

in the past i have made decisions that i have regretted later and some i am relieved i made. one of those is getting married. which one, you ask?? ha-ha!

sometimes we make decisions that protect us and sometimes we make decisions that expose us to risk, danger and exploitation. i have made both. sometimes at the same time. i think marriage is one of those decisions. also, how we respond over time to our decisions is another variation on decisions that shape us.

deep within i have a longing, a true heart, that is set on being a person that makes good decisions and honors right decisions. i also have a longing to feed a part of me that is less concerned with how many ‘fat grams’ are in a decision.

so, here i am at another major life decision (really, already made) that i wonder, as in marriage, will it work out?

i am in the midst of a huge life transition and i am both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time, secure and hopeful, insecure and fearful, significant and insignificant, intact and scattered.  am i setting myself up to be useless, unnecessary, discarded? am i giving my stewardship, or a portion of it, to someone in trust that they will honor me? can i expect that or just hope for it? i do not know.

as i sat in two meetings today that concerned this transition i thought about major life decision, such as the one i made twenty-six years ago. will this one expose me to sadness as well? i don’t know. my interim decisions seem to not give me an answer to my question. i cannot look back and ‘know’ the path to take tomorrow.

as i said earlier, i got up on the wrong side of right this morning. no matter how many things i do i just can’t seem to get back over to the right side to feel good again. is it because it is just right to be un-right when you screw up? …or should i be scared? when i am on the wrong side of right i feel that losing is justified, but that does not mean i want to lose. i want to have my cake and eat it too. why not?

don’t you love rambling posts like this that is hard to figure out?? i do, it helps me breathe. oh well, i get to try again tomorrow to get up on the right side.